Where the Journey Takes me!!

‘It’s all a misunderstanding'

I tell my ma what happened between me and the evil step-monster…As I already knew in my gut what my ma’s reaction would be, it still helped knowing the monster was in the wrong and it wasn’t her place to say *excuse the language* shit about me and whether I am to be in the family or not…My talk with my ma calmed me down enough to get through work, barely. I also had a great friend there to help keep me moving through the day…Thanks ‘A’, You are the greatest!! My ma just told me to get through the day and come over after work...

After work, I drove to my ‘real’ home where both my parents were waiting (the ones who care about me, the real ME!) We discussed what actions to take and decided that my ma would call the next day. The good thing was that I was returning to therapy the very next day. I think it was really weird timing, how devastated, depressed and basically feeling so low. It was just a weird deal. So I went home and tried to sleep…Obviously, sleep didn’t come very easily that night.

February 28, 2006

I got up and carry on like the rug wasn’t yanked out from underneath me. (Well I can put on a good face that’s for damm sure.) I make through my day at work. Who ever invented the ‘DND’ (Do not disturb) option on business phones was a flipping genius! I put my phone on DND, turned some music on and just kept my head down and my nose to the grindstone. It wasn’t easy and too many thoughts were racing through my head. I still was feeling numb to it all. Yet I was starting to get curious about what my father had to say to my ma when she called.

Soooo, being curious me and not being able to think about anything else, I just had to know. I had wondered too long and needed to know whether my father would make this a battle or would he support me. What would he say? It was driving me crazy. So I made the call. It took a bit to get a hold of my ma. With me being optimistic me, I really didn’t think that things could get any worse. Man, trust me…It did!

The phone rang; my ma picked up and spoke, knowing in her gut that it was me. I knew what it was bad just by her tone and took a deep breath. Ma began her story of relating the conversation that occurred. The clique saying ‘Its got to get worse before it gets better’ was the understatement of the year for me at that moment as I listen to my ma tell the story.

That morning over coffee my ‘lovely’ stepmother told my father that she and I had a ‘misunderstanding’ and I blew up. (if you barely know me, you would know I rarely ‘blow up’ and usually will stuff my feelings as long as the other doesn’t get hurt) My stepmother told my dad how I must have just misunderstood her. She didn’t mean to upset me so but she felt it was her place to express her feelings. My ma proceeded to let my father have a good verbal lashing, mostly because she saw me the night prior and how devastated I was. Here is my father taking her side and preaching to my mother about how I need to get my emotions under control and how I really must have just misunderstood my stepmother. My mother told my father that he just lost his daughter by not even caring to hear her side of the story and to assume that she is in the wrong.

Ma and I cried together during the whole story. My daddy called me after my ma and I ended our call just to let me know he loved me no matter what. I left work early that day to go to my first therapy appointment in 10 years or so. I don’t remember the drive to my appointment nor do I remember sitting in the waiting room. What I do remember is looking up into the clear blue eyes of my old friend and breathing a sigh of relief.

My therapist. Although when I last went, I hated going for the longest time…One day he earned my trust and ever since I have been able to be completely honest and open. As I walked the very short walk down the hallway to his office, I could feel the tension lessen in my shoulders and relief begin to enter into me. I sat down on the plush tan couch within his office since I wanted to be near the door, just in case. I trusted my therapist but not myself and so I felt I needed that way out…Just…in…case…

We began our session. He asked how I was, I told him I have had better days. He said ok want to tell me? I said well yes but I want to back up a bit. When you are ready was his response. I took a deep breath and dove. Dove right into that big empty pool. It was scary but I knew I had to get it out. It was an overwhelming black fog that was choking me. I began talking explaining how my brother moved, they bought a house in AZ for my bro so he didn’t have to rent and as an investment, how I felt my self sinking and others noticed. I paused and began the story of the day prior. When I was finished, my brow was damp and I was breathing hard as if I had ran miles. Yet I felt cleaner, calmer and clearer. As I gathered myself together, my therapist smiled and told me how extremely strong person I am and how he was proud to know that I learned enough to know when I needed help to get back on my feet. He began his questions and I gave answers. Then our session was over. I was in shock again cuz in his office, I was safe. I didn’t have to worry about those words haunting me in my dreams or while I am working. I was safe within those 4 walls. We made our follow up appointments and we talked about antidepressants. I turned the antidepressants down for now.

 **Finally I have continued this story...Trust me there is more to come...Things have definitely have been changing...Some good and some bad**